Chapter Twenty Seven

27


The bucolic plague

Symptoms: Guilt, depression and recurrent nightmares over bovine animals, caged dogs and hens. A sudden disinterest in meat.

Diagnosis: Bucolic Plague. A dangerous, debilitating condition afflicting sensitive city folk when exposed to the harsh realities of the country.

Treatment: If diagnosed early, treatment is straightforward and can be dealt with in one of two ways. Depending on the severity of the symptoms, the subject can simply be prescribed a thicker skin and told to get on with it. Such treatment is only advisable in mild cases where further exposure to country life is unlikely to have long lasting and damaging effects. In worst cases where symptoms are extreme, bucolic plague is incurable, further exposure to harsh country stimuli likely to result in more and more withdrawn and/or erratic behaviour. While complete remission is unlikely, shipping the subject back to the safety of the suburbs can prevent further deterioration. While susceptibility to bucolic plague varies from person to person, some subjects simply have no immunity and are therefore advised to avoid the country at all costs or become an embarrassment.