The Blaine visitation
Tuesday, October 4
It was meant to be a good deed. An act of kindness towards Kurt and Courtney. A puff of humanitarianism to push our boat that little bit further from catastrophe. I didn’t know it would turn out to be a load of hot air.
It had seemed a brilliant idea to invite Fergus Blaine to work with me at Hartley Castle House – the best idea I’d had so far – and I’d been genuinely excited about it. In truth I’d been genuinely excited about the first five minutes – Blaine’s arrival, the look on his face when he saw my cars, my house, my beautiful fiancé, my beautiful dogs; my beautiful world. That, I confess, was an undeniable motivation for inviting Blaine to Hartley Castle House. That first five minutes of immense gloating pride.
What I hadn’t given due consideration to was all the hours of post-immense-gloating-pride-Fergus Blaine I would have to endure. Hours made all the more excruciating by what actually happened in those first five minutes.
‘Hi Bailey,’ he called as I strode purposefully from the house head down towards the outbuildings. I had no business at the outbuildings; they just got me out of the house and striding purposefully at a time to coincide with his arrival. Saying something like ‘Ah!’ as I turned and greeted him. Soaking up his awed expression as he scanned the ruins and the house and the grounds. Him saying something like ‘Wow! You live here?’ while he petted the dogs. Guiding him inside to Gabriel…
He needn’t know I’d been at the Court Room windows watching the top road for his arrival for half an hour. He needn’t know I’d run downstairs and hid behind the front door until he was parked before ‘coincidently’ striding purposefully from the house in the direction of the outbuildings. Gabriel needn’t know either. I’d fretted that she would be gone before Blaine arrived, ruining my coup de grace. I wasn’t convinced it was sound behaviour.
But it was done. Out I strode, purposefully, head down towards the outbuildings listening for the slam of a car door, his ‘Hi Bailey,’ pre-empting this but achieving the same result. I spun, looked surprised, said ‘Ah!’ Looked at my watch. ‘Is it that time already?’
I bounced over as he extracted himself from a small, silver hatchback – definitely not European – and collected a couple of A3 pads and black marker pens from the passenger seat.
‘How bought this then, eh, Bailey?’ he said head down in the car.
‘I know,’ I said hands on hips gazing about. ‘It’s not bad.’
He backed out of the car, shot me a glance. ‘Not bad? Don’t you know anything about cars? This is a 2002 Toyota Yaris VVT-I. I literally picked it up yesterday. This is the first proper run it’s had. And you know what?’ He shot me one of those nasty little painfully sincere looks of his, teeth poking into gums.
‘What?’ I said, leaning so he could see past me to the house.
‘It is by far the best car I’ve ever owned. How are you, Bailey?’
‘Fine,' I said flatly.
He took in my sleek, brown Volvo XC70. ‘Is that your car?’
Finally a semblance of jealousy. ‘Certainly is.’
‘Really? That surprises me, Bailey. I thought you’d have a bit more class.' He took in Gabriel's car. 'Is that an Audi? Dime a dozen now, aren’t they? Is my car okay there?’
‘Actually,’ – I pointed down past the ruins – ‘if you could just park it over there with the handbrake off…’
‘That’s very funny. These your dogs?’ Kurt and Courtney were sniffing at Blaine’s crotch as he walked pads under an arm. Interestingly he made no attempt to pet either of them with his free arm.
‘They are. Just don’t look them in the eye. You should be fine. Anyway, so this is where I live.’
‘This pile of bricks or that one?’ he gestured towards the castle.
I would have rung his scrawny neck if I didn’t need an art director. Still, the killer blow still waited inside. I led him in...
‘Fergus?’ I said arm proudly outstretched towards Gabriel who stood behind the kitchen table tinkering with her leather briefcase. ‘I’d like you to meet Gabriel.’
He shot her a dismissive glance. ‘Hi, Gabriel. Don’t get up. So where are we going to be working, Bailey? I think I’ve got a couple of really good ideas for Bingham Court already. Not properly formed ideas, I’m sure you’ll understand, but certainly worth consideration, baring in mind you might have a few ideas yourself, Bailey, I can’t wait to see them if you have, I truly can’t. Can I just get my bag from the car?’
I said he could.
‘What the hell was that?’ Gabriel said with externalised distaste after he’d ducked outside.
‘I told you, it’s not from our world.’
‘It’s not from any world! Thank God I’m going out! Will it be gone by the time I get back?’
Blaine was back before I had a chance to say ‘I hope so.’ He was carrying a scruffy brown leather bag.
‘Where should I put this?’ he asked.
‘What is it?’
‘Just clothes and toiletries. Shall I put it straight in my room?’
***
‘I didn’t invite him to stay, Gabriel. I promise,’ I said trailing her bustling, fuming little form to the Audi.
‘I don’t care!' she hissed back at me. 'I don’t want that thing sleeping in my house! I don’t want that thing anywhere near my sheets!’
‘We can burn the sheets!' I overtook and ran backwards. 'It’s my fault. I invited him. And fair enough. It’s a long way to drive.’
‘If he can drive here, he can drive home,' she said pushing past and flicking the remote at the Audi. 'You invited him to work. Not to move in! Jesus! He’s going to be around at meal times!’
‘It’s all right. I’ve eaten with him,' I said holding the door open as she threw herself behind the wheel. 'Just don’t look. You can shut it out.’
‘I’ll fucking shut it out all right!’ she said starting and revving the Audi a little unnecessarily. ‘It can sleep outside!’
She slammed her door, which must have jolted my memory.
‘Gabriel, wait!’ I said banging on her window. ‘I need to tell you something!’
She lowered the window and peered up disdainfully.
‘I’ve made a decision!’ I said.
‘You’re going to send him home?’
‘No! I’m going to buy the lame bulls!’
‘Bullocks.’
‘No, I am! I know what you said about us moving on at some point and chances are, we probably will. But let’s make that my problem, okay? Let me face that when it comes. In the meantime, I can rent that field they’re in now and I’m going to ask Dave if we can knock the back wall out of one of the stables so they’ve got some proper shelter. Either that or we can fence off a bit of the yard so they can get around this side. And I’m going to get a vet to sort out their legs.’
‘That’s all very nice, Bailey. But what do you want a couple of dirty great bullocks for?’
‘I’m going to keep them!’ I said, then, and it even sounded stupid to me: ‘As pets!’
She laughed. ‘They’re bullocks, monkey, not budgies. You can’t teach them tricks, you know.’
‘Doesn’t matter! It’s not for me!’ I knelt so she could not only hear but see how important this was to me. ‘I don’t care. I have to do this. I need to do something positive! I need to save those two bullocks from the slaughterhouse.’
She smiled. ‘Duncan and Archie.’
I smiled back. ‘Exactly. Duncan and Archie.’
She stuck her hand out the window and I took it. ‘If you were seeking my approval, monkey, thank you. I appreciate it.’ She smiled. ‘Approval granted.’ I squeezed her hand. ‘Now,’ she said. ‘You get back in there and make sure that thing is gone by the time I get home.’
‘That’s not fair. I can’t do that.’
‘You’d better! I’m not coming home till you do!’
‘Then I guess you’re not coming home.’
‘No, I’m fucking not!’
And with that she was off in a shower of gravel…In just the frame of mind to charm record apple corer sales out of regional North Yorkshire…In just the frame of mind to fast track her next accident.
So ended what could have been one of those treasured collaborative moments couples share and savour, were it not sandwiched between great mouldy, unpalatable slabs of Fergus Blaine. I stood in the courtyard and looked up at the house. I didn’t want to go back inside. To the man currently on the first floor unpacking (soiled?) smalls into a guest room drawer. To Blaine. Surely the most frightening apparition ever to walk those three hundred year old corridors.
At that moment I’m almost certain I saw a three legged lamb leap baying and bleating from an upstairs window, roll and keep running for the castle ruins.
